Been a BUSY month!!

Well, I haven't written on this thing in a while - good thing I don't make a living blogging, huh? LOL.

These past few weeks were physically exhausting, but soooo worth it! We have finally completed the move from Ball Ground to Alpharetta and I couldn't be more at ease with our move. We are closer to Mike's work and once again living in civilization - where groceries can be purchased without a planned road trip, a full tank of gas and several coolers!! The apartment is clean, the apartment community is quiet and calm, the neighbors are sane and normal and *gasp*... nice.

Our move was quite the physical challenge for me due to the pregnancy, but I still managed to be more of an asset than a liability. I hate having any physical restrictions on what I can do because I'm such an independent "do-er". I did overdo it, but the baby is fine and I'm still in one piece, so yippee skippee.

These eyes are focusing on the future so I don't get trapped in the present.

There are times I still ask myself "How the hell did my life end up like this?!?" A college degree and no decent job. From a homeowner to a foreclosed renter. An independent contributor to our household income to a completely dependent liability, from a career-having working mom to a stay-at-home mom who is now completely useless other than to love my kid and keep the house clean.... a woman who when she needed a new car, would just be able to go out and buy one, but now.... hopeless.
I just can not allow myself to sit and dwell on it or even think about the reality of it all - if I do, I'll fall into another pit of depression - and that for sure will not be helpful.

So, I'm going to focus on being thankful for our new location, looking forward to the September birth of our little Amelia, watching Elise become a big sister and then getting my career back on track after Amelia gets here.

June 1st ... by the numbers

2 girls and $1.00 in kool aid sales

• 90 degrees at 11am
• 2 crazy little girls setting up 1 Kool aid stand
• 2 customers
• 1 dollar in sales
• 50 cents each
• 1 after-shower surprise for me (a kool aid stand set up by stealthy children while I got clean)
• 50 more miles to put on my car illegally before another emissions inspection
• 250 dollar fine if i'm busted driving with an expired tag
• 0 chance of getting tag renewed without emissions passing
• 1 screwed up law introduced by tree-hugging hippies that added a "clean air force" to Georgia's government system, thereby creating yet another government entity that needs to be staffed, paid, enforced and otherwise waste money on. (oh yeah, and to cost folks money in emissions inspections and potentially increase the chance that more fines can be levied against taxpayers who are forced to drive illegally trying to pass an emissions inspection after doing repairs in order to comply)
• 1 trip to Barnes and Noble with Elise - her favorite store.... and time to reward her for that excellent report card!!

You have 1 great day. I'm off to have 1 too :)

Em

By the Numbers

May 31... and school is out.
Time for all the preteen girly girls to hang... and me to keep them in line!
While I've got a moment, let me put this day in numbers...

Recently on Facebook, I started posting my days by the interesting numbers that popped up during the day... I think it is becoming a habit. I rather enjoy figuring out what to be thankful for, what to look forward to, and what sucks ass on a particular day (by the numbers). So, here it is, a new addition to the blog - my day By the Numbers!

DA NUMBERS:
94 Days until Amelia Rayne is delivered via C-Section
2 little girls driving me crazy because they expect me to provide endless entertainment
100 point drop in blood sugar in only 30 minutes
70 blood sugar prior to lunch
182 blood sugar 15 minutes after lunch (I don't believe it got out of the 90's, AMAZING)
1 lady with a gaping muffin top walking around the neighborhood in a tight tank top *cringe*
1 pair of newlywed 26 year olds on HGTV purchasing their first home... for $895,000 (rich?nah. just plain stupid.)
3 big kicks on my bladder (thanks, Amelia)
0 boxes packed yet today with a 100% chance of procrastination....
5 hours until the hubby is home from work and I go drive the convertibug to put some miles on it, in the hopes of finally passing emissions inspection and getting my *legal* tag renewed.

To my peeps - Love and Light to all - may you appreciate your numbers, big or small today!

p.s. one number i'm not going to post or look at until after I give birth to Amelia is my weight. I'm on scale hiatus until then and refuse to look even at the dr. office. What I don't know can't hurt... just concentrating on good nutrition and stable blood sugar for the baby girl. I'll worry about me later :)

Thank You For Being A Friend

Because sometimes, folks should be told when they are appreciated :)

For Beth, our "Melting Mama" - who is a friend to many, even though she doesn't have to be. A genuine caring spirit overflowing with laughter, cheer, reality and compassion... I posted this comment on her blog (http://www.meltingmama.net), but felt like I should share this message on my blog as well - because it is the story of a kind hearted person who cares about her community and is a true friend.




Beth,

When I think of my adventures after Weight Loss Surgery - getting to know you is one of the bright spots. 3 months after my surgery, my one support in this world - my one constant, bright, brilliant go-to for everything, my mother, passed away unexpectedly. I felt so sad that I would not share the successes and joys of this journey with her. I was without my buddy that I had started this road with.

But, I found strength in reading your blog, getting to know others in the WLS community and reading about their struggles and triumphs as well. Your blog helped me find out more about the weight loss surgery community and support groups that were out there. I came to know many special friends that I met online and, lucky me, in person as well. I am proud to say that you have been a big part of my WLS experience - whether conscious or unconsciously. You have provided advice, humor, humanity and friendship that I treasure and appreciate.

Know this - no matter what, you have a friend in a lil' georgia gal who you were kind and helpful to even when you didn't have to be. I'm proud to call you friend. Whether we have weight loss surgery in common or not, you are one of those people in life who I CHOOSE to hold in my heart as a dear friend.

So, forget popular opinion - its crap. It was crap before we had weight loss surgery. You are a great mother (with some really cute children) and a wife to a guy who obviously thinks you hung the moon (and is pretty darn cute himself). You are a friend (a TRUE friend) to many. You have helped people without expectation of compensation or exhaultation. You are a kind-spirited, fun, sharing and compassionate person who deserves respect and to be treated with common human decency. I applaud you, Beth, our "Melting Mama" - as do many others in our community!

-Em (a.k.a. The Graphicschick)

WLS Community Negativity UNPLUGGED

When the shitter's full, its best to empty it!!

I'm getting sick of some of the bullsh!t that is going on in the weight loss surgery community - there is a lot of friggin drama when a bunch of former fatties all of the sudden get self-esteem and then take it way too far into biach land and forget where they came from.

Sure, I lost a whole bunch of weight and did find some healthy, much needed and deserved self-esteem, but I have kept myself in check and stayed true to good ol' me. I haven't forgotten where I came from and did not change the essence of myself because I got healthier.

Again, the social media on the internet exposes the underlying truth that no matter the physical form, negativity is ugly. It sucks. It seeps and stews. Negativity grows and gestates. It infiltrates and infuriates. Negativity separates and it is just plain annoying. It is important to remember one thing....

YOU CAN UNPLUG! - there is an "x" in that corner - there is a "block" for that negativity - there is an exit door on that facebook group page. Is it time to clean up your "friends" list? Is the negativity SHITTER FULL? Your online experience is what YOU want it to be. Do not worry about hurting someone's feelings because you feel the need to "defriend" them on the web. After all, they probably just added you because you posted on a similar page, have a friend in common, thought you had one witty comment, or they knew you "when" and wanted to snoop on in and see what you look like and who you are now.

There are GOOD PEOPLE out there who support each other and truly care. There are also lurkers, meanies and holier-than-thou trolls always ready to stomp on your rainbows and flowers. Don't be afraid to unplug those people who are pissing in your corn flakes - skim milk is so much better for you than piss (and vinegar).

Ok, I ranted, therefore I am.

Light, Love and Happiness - let's all get back to the important things, what REALLY matters - Home, Health, Family, Friends and enjoying each day alive - truly LIVING to our fullest and sharing that with those who matter, who make a difference and who cultivate a healthy, supportive environment for others.

<3 and Light!!!! (and empty shitters to all)
-em

Mother and Daughter Weekend 2011

I sit here exhausted - 1:30 in the morning. I'm so tired, I can't believe that I have insomnia - but, I guess that is just one of the things that happens when you are pregnant and get up to pee every 15 minutes. Oh, did I also mention that the kid is in my bed and keeps pushing me out of it? And, might I add, the dog keeps flopping around too? UGH!!!

Well, this is just part of taking one for the team, I guess. Every year, my husband and his friends take off on what has been dubbed "Man Weekend". It is only one weekend out of the year and its nothing fancy - just a chance for them to get away and hang out. This year, their adventure takes them rafting and camping - and leaves me at home for the weekend with my sweet 7-year old daughter (and my lil' fetus baby who is 23 weeks and growing in me big time!). 

So, what is there to do while the guys are away? Elise requested to go for her first pedicure and a trip for cheesecake at the Cheesecake Factory. (Yes, my little sweetie is a very girly girl!) Of course, we ended up going, going, going non-stop. Here's the shakedown of our weekend and subsequent reason for my exhaustion:

Friday

• Elise gets home from school at 3pm
• Elise and one of her friends come in to play for about an hour - all goes well until one hell of a thunderstorm pops up and I have to get her friend back to her Dad's house right around the corner.
• Boredom sets in. Elise complains there is no one to play with and she can't play outside with the rain. 
• Time to get her out of the house, so, at her request, off to the Mall we went.
• At the mall, we get Laney's hair done (Elise's favorite American Girl doll). Yes, I had to pay to get a doll's hair styled. Whatevs... it made the kid happy.
• Then, it was off to Justice to look at clothes. You can imagine the laughter that I had to hold inside when we get in the store and Elise says "Mama, I have something for you in my pocketbook" - and then she pulls out of her purse.... a 40% off coupon for Justice! LOL - that child was planning ahead and had been holding on to that one. So, what was I to do? I succumbed, I folded, I caved and let her get two new tank tops for the summer (hey, they were on sale and she had a 40% off coupon, how could I say no?)
• One more stop before I can get this child fed and get us back home before Elise breaks us.... and its off to Claire's boutique. Elise has to get a "best friends" bracelet set so she can share with her friend, Kylie... ok, but just this last one little thing and that's it!!
• Time for dinner - Sbarro mall pizza. What else? Yes, that's all she wants to eat. Ok, fine. She has a blast eating her pizza slice while "people watching". This kid really loves people watching and is so funny.
• Back home and then off to bed with us - its been a long day and Elise has a nail appointment for Saturday.

Saturday

• Up at 8 and out the house by 9:30.
• Down the road we go to Roswell, Georgia to a nail salon that doesn't use harsh chemicals and is safe for a pregnant mommy and her 7 year old daughter.
• We arrived almost an hour too early for our appointment and had to kill some time - so, it was off to the mall again to visit the other stores we didn't go into the evening before.
• Successfully, I navigated Build-a-Bear, Bath and Body Works, a couple of boutiques and the video game store without buying a damn thing :) I said NO, NO, NO!!

• Unfortunately, Elise did find my soft spot in the Disney store. I like the Vinylmation little art creations - so does she. Ok, so one for each of us. Not a splurge, but a fun little bonding thing to do - we buy our figurines, then rush out to the bench in the mall to open up and see what surprise figure each of us gets. Elise got a Cuties series and I grabbed a Toy Story series. I opened mine and was pleased that I got Buttercup (the unicorn from Toy Story 3). Elise opened hers and was miffed because she got a pop art looking winter outfit one. Of course, we traded, and she now has ownership of the rainbow-farting unicorn. I got a pop art looking winter chick. not #Winning.

• Ok, enough of this mall shit - now we finally make it to our pedicure appointment. Finally, serenity! It was funny to see her reaction to this new experience. We went to a nice nail spa and were treated to foot baths, massage... the whole works! She was loving it (especially the massage chairs). Elise was a bit taken aback that the ladies working on our feet didn't say much of anything, and when they spoke, they were so quiet, we could barely hear them and had to ask them to repeat themselves several times. We had a good laugh about that when we got in the car and Elise said "Mama, I think they didn't talk much because they can't speak English". 

• Finally, we reach what should be the end of our little excursion for the day - The Cheesecake Factory!!
• Elise ordered Edamame for her "appetizer", Butter and Parmesan Bow Tie Pasta for her lunch, and follows it all up with a giant slice of Oreo Cheesecake (which, she didn't finish, but she did manage to bring home with us for a slow, rest of the day consumption attempt - to be continued tomorrow). I had a side salad and a cup of some wonderful soup - followed up by the no sugar added cheesecake (which I also didn't finish, but did bring home)
• A quick run by the new apartment complex for a quick look at our soon-to-be new apartment and then back to Ball Ground.
• We're home and its time to relax. Oops! not so quick! She's bored again.... and wants to go to the downtown Ball Ground festival. Ok, putting my shoes back on at 4pm and headed back out.
• One hour and one snow cone later, we had walked around the shoddy little festival and were headed back home.
• Finally! a small break! Elise goes out to play with a couple of friends for about 2 hours - then I have to corral her back in for dinner. 
• Its "slumber party" time - up to my room to watch Grease and Grease 2 before she falls asleep (finally) around midnight!

Sunday

• 2:14 a.m. and I'm still awake. The baby is sitting on my bladder, then scooting up under my stomach, then back down to my bladder. Elise was pushing me out of the bed with her feet and the dog wouldn't be still. I have given up on sleep. 

The Wrapup....

As you can tell, it was a FULL weekend!! I'm sure Mike will be tired when he gets home tomorrow too. I hope he has had a good chance to chill with friends, blow off some steam and relax. Really, he's needed to do that just as bad as I do right now. Of course, I won't be able to relax, chill or anything until this baby is born, so I'm not holding it against him. As I like to say "I'll get mine after the baby is born".

So, here's to the boys - hope you had fun. Here's to Elise - I'm glad you had a blast and I love every moment we spend together! Here's to Amelia (the baby in my tummy) - you'll get to do girl weekend with us next year. And last, but certainly not least - here's to ME - I survived a busy weekend and I look forward to chllin out with a cold beer or a margarita after the baby gets here! (oh, and a nap tomorrow when Mike gets back home)

WORD.

Gestation Frustration and Appreciation

Omg! Will September hurry up and get here? I want to work out... I want to do some serious weight training and aerobic activity.... I want my energy back... I want to meet this baby and I want it NOW! I sware, it feels like I've been pregnant forever. 2 years ago, I went from being morbidly obese to healthy and now to be feeling overweight and unhealthy, its kicking my arse!

My first pregnancy was a breeze. Yeah, I was morbidly obese -  285 lbs on the day that I delivered Elise and had to end up having a c-section, but I did not have complications to deal with DURING the entire pregnancy. This time around, at a healthy weight 2 years after rny gastric bypass, its been one hellacious thing after another. Allow me to bitch... after all, that's what we pregnant chicks are best at....

My list of complaints this time around:

1. Low Blood Sugar - crashes in the 40's that take me waaaaay down and take forever to recover from and occur on a pretty much 2x daily basis! *Thud* is right!! 
2. Constant Nausea - mostly caused by dumping because I have to force myself to eat in an attempt to keep my blood sugar around a "normal" level, or just because of typical pregnancy, who knows. The fact of the matter is, I would absolutely die without my Zofran!
3. Headaches - of course, this is caused by #1 - you guessed it, low blood sugar, but it s a constant...
4. Heartburn?!? - I didn't think it was possible to ever have heartburn again after gastric bypass. Boy, did pregnancy prove me wrong on that one. Sure, technically, it shouldn't happen. I mean, the stomach acids are bypassing my stomach pouch and landing further down in the intestines.... so how the hell are they coming all the way back up? Oh yeah, that whole duodenal switch thing blah blah. It sucks.
5. Dumping and Food getting STUCK - oh yes, I am a dumper. I have taken care to keep from dumping prior to pregnancy with great nutrition and excellent control of my diet - but for some reason, it doesn't matter what rules I follow or break... the size of the pouch v/s the size of my uterus means only one of them is going to win. There is NO ROOM FOR FOOD. But, you must eat, you're pregnant... But, you will suffer the wrath of hell and dire consequences *thud* if you do eat. UGH!!!
6. Intestinal Blockage and "Kinks" - Never again will I have a bite of steak. UGH. I chewed and chewed like a cow chewing cud, alas.... it went down fine, but wouldn't break down to come out. TMI? I know, I'm sharing too much SHIT on here LOL. I ended up in extreme pain and thought for sure something was wrong with the baby about a month ago. My doctor advised us to go immediately to the ER. Off we went. It took forever for them to figure out that it was nothing but some poo that was caught up in my pinched up, kinky intestines. Now, I must tell you, I went through terrible labor with my first child that resulted in a c-section, a bad motorcycle wreck that required knee replacement and hellacious physical therapy and major gut rearranging RNY surgery - but Never have I felt pain like this before. Needless to say, all they did was give me pain meds and send me on (silly pregnant lady). It took a lot of Colace, Milk of Magnesia and Benefiber to get rid of the "problem", but after 3 days, I was A-OK. Every once in a while, my intestines kink up due to my expanding uterus taking up room that my re-arranged guts had settled into, but I will NEVER eat steak again and vow to live off Benefiber until this pregnancy is over. 

Now, there are tons more things I could bitch about, but the fact that my doctor was clueless about changing my antidepressant cold-turkey and caused me to go into a deep depression for about 3 weeks that even presented itself as physical illness... but those didn't have to do with the Gastric Bypass... just a dumb ass doctor (oh, and did I mention a pharmacy that gave me 75 milligrams less than what had been prescribed for me, oh yeah, that!).

All these things said, right here at 23 weeks gestation - in the heart of pregnancy.... would I recommend pregnancy after weight loss surgery? Well, that is a complicated answer. But, I think I may have boiled down my opinions on it finally:

If you are unable to conceive/carry/birth a child prior to weight loss surgery, for the love of god - go out and make a baby and get pregnant when your surgeon/medical team gives you the go-ahead! (they usually recommend 1.5 - 2 years post-op)

If you are able to have a mostly healthy pregnancy prior to weight loss surgery, have no history of miscarriages etc.... I would suggest having ALL the babies you want PRIOR to having weight loss surgery. (of course, this is just my opinion and not a medically-backed up fact or anything, its just based on my crappy experience so far). Now, would I follow my own advice? Nope. I wanted another baby and my husband did too - so who gives a crap about this suffering.... its all for a wonderful little sweetie that we can't wait to meet!

I'm delivering via c-section on September 2nd, so this will be over with before I know it.... and though I won't miss the complications and the health problems, I am so thankful for this second little bean :)

So, Amelia Rayne Brubaker..... my sweet little gestating daughter..... you are worth every challenge that is being presented to me during this 9 month spree - and I can't wait to see you, hold you, and introduce you to your awesome Daddy and your super cool Sister!!!!!

Setting the Stage : Breaking Wind on a New Blog

I don't remember taking my first breath. No one does. I can only recall what has led me to the now.

As I start this new blog, I feel obligated to give some of you a back story, a history of sorts. What brings me to the blogging arena? Why do I feel the need to share the relevant and irrelevant with others? Perhaps its because I just like to “hear myself talk”. Nope, sorry, that isn’t it. 

I just think that sharing with others can help them one of two ways - Acknowledgement that someone else has “been there” or is “going through that” with them OR proof that someone else is more f’ed up than they are. Either way, It seems more of a positive contribution to the universe than fading into the background and sitting on my laurels, I cannot stand being passive instead of passionate. Throughout my weight loss surgery journey and the road of life, I have been accompanied by many who did not have to share this journey, but chose to pass their knowledge, experience and friendship along. I refuse to let that energy and support stop with me. Ergo, I blog. I share. I am honest. I will not say what I do not mean. I don’t ask that you agree with me, think the same as me, look the same as me, or even give a shit. I’m just here to share. And, if I make your journey a little happier or even serve as comic relief to a tough day that you are having... that’s friggin awesome. If not, meh. 

I was going to write all about my background - from the day I had my RNY gastric bypass weight loss surgery in December 2008 - to the extreme loss of not only my excess weight, but my loving mother, my employment, my home and my sense of self. However, that kind of info I’ll just put in the “about me” section. Its just too much for a blog post, trust me on that one! In fact, it should be a novel and one day it may well be that I put pen to paper and bang that sucker out.

So, farewell to my old domain names and hosting (because, honestly, I can’t afford to pay for them anymore - you know, the economy being what it is, I have to be a thrifty Mom!). Hello to my new blog - Rainbow AirBiscuits. (Yes, this is the repository of my brain farts.)

Welcome to the new blog - let’s break wind together.